Peanut Buttering

Hot take

I was hanging out with some people one time when someone suggested that as a game, everyone share their hot take. Hot, they specified -- actually spicy, actually controversial, no holding back. Obviously I knew not to give my absolute hottest take, so I gave a controversial opinion but one that was only fairly warm.

The room erupted in outrage. "What the FUCK?!" I'm not exaggerating when I say every other person in the room started yelling at me. Now, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not such a fool that I'll repeat my (again, pretty lukewarm!) take here in writing. But suffice it to say, they did NOT like that take of mine.

My main mistake was that I overestimated the openness of the others in the room. But I also think that asking people for their "actual" hot takes is a self-defeating exercise. Someone's most controversial take is, by definition, too controversial to share. If they truly feel it's so spicy that you would be outraged, then they would never deliberately share it with you, because they think you'd be outraged! Whatever take they tell you is just the spiciest within the spectrum of things they think you'll be open to hearing.

Along similar lines, I have questions about "vulnerability". If you ask me, I would say I'm comfortable being vulnerable. I would say I'm not afraid to show my feelings, or to risk looking stupid, or getting hurt. And I certainly have done things and shared feelings that others would be afraid to. But it's not that I did them because I've done so much inner work that I've nurtured a deep self confidence and comfort with vulnerability. Those things just don't feel scary to me.

But when I really introspect, I notice that indeed there are plenty of moments when I don't disclose something in conversation, or I don't initiate an interaction with someone, that are clearly because I'm afraid of what the outcome might be. If I'm not careful, it's easy to categorize the things I am comfortable with as being vulnerable, while the things I'm not comfortable with -- well, it's just not appropriate, or some other rationalization for why it's not that I'm afraid to get hurt, it's just that for practical reasons it's the right decision not to do that thing.

When we hold ourselves back from fear of getting hurt, it generally doesn't feel in the moment like we're giving into fear vulnerability-- it feels rational. Conversely, the best sign that we are being vulnerable is if it feels god-awful. If it takes you thirty minutes to work up the courage and your heart is pounding in your chest when you say or do the thing, then congratulations. That was vulnerable of you.